Chapter 168 FIXING THE PUZZLES
1684words
Dr. Kavanagh silently picked up the tablets one by one and then put them back in their place.
She again sits at her place, her face plain, emotionless, giving me nothing at all.
"How many times have you taken three pills at one time?" She asks.
"None. I refused Ann many times." I told her.
"Why did you refuse? Any solid reason?" She asks.
"Yes, I feel like those pills are harmful to me and the people around me, and since…" I pause, "Since that terrible incident I kind of started to get scared of taking pills." I answer.
"Are you ok to talk about it?" She asks and I nod my head, "Go on, then." Dr. Kavanagh allows me to open up and taking a deep breath I finally tell her everything that happened on that ungrateful night.
"Did that day you take your medications?" She questions.
"Yes, I actually took three pills if I remember correctly," I replied.
"At what time? I mean how many hours before you lose your senses completely." She asks briefly.
And I try to force my mind, that day's memories start to re-play in my mind.
Ann was leaving for dinner so around 7 I guess.
"Around 7… But, I am not 100% sure." I told her.
"That's a guess, right? But near the possible time." She says and I nod my head in response.
"And do you remember what was the time when you finally got your sense back? I mean when your sister rescued your wife…" She asks.
"Around 12 or maybe 1, I am not quite sure but it was midnight, after midnight I think," I answer with confusion written all over my face.
I have no idea about the time, who would look at the clock when their wife would be on her deathbed, and that is also because of you.
"Ok, I got it," She says as she starts writing something, and then after finishing she looks up at me.
"Let's suppose, Mr. Andrew, You took pills at 7 'o'clock, ok, and it starts to kick in after an hour, that is 8 'o clock, and you start physical contact after an hour, obviously the heat, hallucinations all would be driving in too. After you were not able to be pleased physically, you opted for being harsh, like hitting her, pulling her hair, using cursing words, anything that you think would please you, or calm your adrenaline.
But, all those things were not calming you down, in fact, they increased your heat, your anger. You feel desperate to unleash your anger and finally, you find a reason.
She killed your child so you should kill her. You were desperate to finish her, even at one point, you feel pleasurable too while doing it but then someone comes in, calling you out and you surprisingly show up to that person and realize what you have done.
Right, Mr. Andrew?
If any part of this is wrong, kindly correct me." Dr. Kavanagh says politely and I couldn't help but gape at her guess.
How is she able to draw a perfect guess of what was actually going in my mind that night?
"Yes, I felt that way somehow… In my senses, I would never, never ever think of hurting Tessa… I love her very much… How could I kill her? No… I can't just accept this." I start to get emotional.
"It's ok, Mr. Andrew, people do things in their life that they never intend to or thought of doing." Dr. Kavanagh says and I nod in agreement.
"Do you think that pills cause all this mess with my brain?" I ask her.
"Uhmm… I am not 100% sure if pills are able to numb your mind. I don't think anything or anyone could ever bring you back so easily. People lose their personality and it takes time to bring their real self back but the way you describe things. You lose yourself completely and just with one person's command you come back.
It's quite hard to understand." She says looking amused.
"Before when you were in a depression, which therapies you have taken?" She asks changing the subject completely.
"Ummm… None… Ann has always been there for me and that was it. I don't meet with doctors and psychiatrists." I told her.
"So then why are you looking for one, now?" She questions, her voice gets sharp.
"Because Ann calls me sick, and harmful. But I know I am not. I just wanted proof to prove her wrong." I tell her honestly.
"Why do you want to prove her wrong? Do you think by proving her wrong you will get your freedom back?" She questions straightly and I frown deeply.
There is a bitter truth in her words and it makes my heart sink.
"I want to make my own decisions," I tell her firmly.
"Have you ever made any decision by yourself, yet?" She asks.
I ponder for a second and then tell her, "Yes, one."
Yes, where I decided to take care of Cyril's medical expenses and refuse Ann's command straight on her face.
"What did you get by doing that? Did you get what you wanted?" She asks and I was completely taken aback by her questions that are giving me a bitter feeling of reality.
What did I want? I wanted Tessa to be with me, but now Ann has taken her away from me because of my stubbornness and because of the fact that for the first time after my parent's death I have made a decision against her.
Oh, F**k…
Suddenly, all the puzzles start to get in their places and the frown starts to get deeper on my forehead.
"You push the thing away from yourself. You didn't get what you wanted." Dr. Kavanagh concluded and my jaw drops as now I am starting to understand what stupid acts I have done in the past.
I knew I could never win against Ann but still, I keep trying to fight with her again and again.
"So, what should I do now?" I ask her, feeling empty and clueless.
"Andrew, you have been living in your sister's shadow for a while. Any person could tell this easily. This is the only second time you are talking to me about your life and I could see how your sister has surrounded herself around your life. You can't beat her." She says and my heart starts to beat violently.
What does it mean? Am I also a slave to Ann just like Tessa?
I should have the full right to choose what I want but Ann never let me choose; she controls everything in my life.
"You need to be patient, Andrew. Very very patient in order to get your life back." Dr. Kavanagh suggests wisely and I couldn't help but agree with her words.
But, with Tessa, I lose patience sometimes and make impulsive decisions.
"I will try," I tell her with determination, and just like that our second session ends.
Woah… Today I feel better than yesterday.
Calmly, I walk to my car and then sit inside it. Instead of starting my car, I lean back on my seat and start thinking about the words that were said by Dr. Kavanagh.
The pills were the problem somehow but it's my fault too.
I need to be able to understand what's good and what's bad for me instead of blindly trusting Ann. If there was no Tessa, how would I be able to know how wrongly I had been living my life all these years.
How could I be so blind?
With a new and calm mind, I drive back to my office. As I enter, I notice Lillian in her place, she also looks calm just like me.
I hope things have worked out nicely between her and Ron. I know they would never get into a relationship but they could be friends, no?
Friends with benefits??
I laugh at this possibility.
****
"Are you sure?" Lillian asks me over the phone when I ask her to close the account for Cyril's medical expenses and she asks me in doubt if I am sure.
Yeah, I am damn sure, this time of what to do.
"Yes, and inform Ann about this too," I tell her as I put back the connecting phone.
In the evening, when I returned to the mansion, I called Ann. She didn't pick up my call but I am not disappointed at all.
I expected it.
After the dinner, I tried her number again and this time she picked up, Thankfully.
"Hello, Andrew."
"Hello, Ann. Why did you leave me like this, Ann?" I ask, keeping my voice low and gentle.
"I thought you were angry, Andrew," Ann says.
"But leaving without informing me, how could this be fair? Do you have any idea how worried I was for you, Ann?" I question, my voice is full of complaints.
Ann was silent for a moment and then her voice came, "Andrew, you have been changed these days. I just wanted you to realize that I am not a bad person here. I am thinking of your good, only."
"I know, Ann. I just… I don't know what happened to me. Please, forgive me, and come back home." I tell her and then hear her deep sigh at the other end.
"I'll come soon. There is a festival I need to attend. If you want to join, you are most welcome here." She offers and pretends I ask, "But where am I supposed to come, Ann?"
She chuckles as she replies, "Aspen Film Festival, where else I could go, Andrew?"
"Oh, I have some work here, Ann. I'll see if I can come to Aspen," I told her and after that, we chatted a little about our day. She didn't mention Tessa anywhere and neither did I ask about her.
We go back to normal where I am an obedient brother and she is a controlling sister.
Again, start from the beginning.
