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She flung a photo at my face.
Picking it up,I saw high-school Nathan beside Lily she in a white tee and denim skirt. Her face bore a striking resemblance to mine, about six or seven parts. Before I could react,she taunted ,“Think he saved that stray kitten like he was saving orphanage you?No.I love white cats.I had one before I left the country.”
“You’re a substitute,a thief,stealing happiness that wasn’t yours while I was gone.”
White cat.
Denim skirt.
A face so similar. What was I missing? Was I,an orphan without parents to shield me, easy prey for bullying? How cruel.
How could he treat me like this?
I had no parents, no understanding of familial love.
I thought Nathan would love me forever.
I sought from him the love I yearned for from parents.
I grew desperate. In a fit of rage, I splashed hot water at Lily, ordering her to leave. I screamed at Nathan.
“Didn’t you chase me relentlessly, saying I was the one for you?”
“You provoked me, claimed you loved me,pursued me despite my rejections.”
“Why keep chasing for years when I said no?Why,after I fell for you,say you don’t want me?”
“Why are you so cruel?”
He remained unmoved.
I bit back the urge to tell him I was pregnant.
Arrogantly,I thought I could win him back without resorting a child.
To reclaim the love I so desperately sought.
Misfortune kept piled on.
Grace was diagnosed with bone cancer.
I took her to hospitals,and thankfully,Nathan,with some lingering affection, provided me with money when I asked. Watching Grace waste away,barely eating due to pain,and with my marriage in tatters,I rarely smiled.
Grace,heartbroken,tried to console me.
“Sis,seeing you loved after marriage made you so happy,like a fairy-tale heroine.Stories end with‘happily ever after,’ but they don't show the mess of marriage.”
“Sis,treat these years as feeding a dog.Divorce him,l ive your life to the fullest.”
“Sis,you should always love yourself most.”
…
I understood her words.
But I couldn’t bring myself act on them.
By day,I maintained my composure at the hospital with Grace.
At night,in our chilly home, I'd imagine Nathan dining with Lily,maybe even sharing a bed afterward. Anxiety would consume me. I cried,unable to eat.
All I wanted was for Nathan to return to me. I wanted to be the one to leave, while he still loved me.
I couldn’t comprehend how someone who’d professed such love could just walk away, especially when I loved him so deeply, unable to let go.
I wasn’t ready to give up.
