Chapter 74
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Lucas.
Through it all Sebastian had his arm clamped around
Aneesa's waist and her face was starting to hurt from smiling so much. And then she felt him tense rigidly. She followed his gaze to see a man approach them, the man she'd guessed was Jacob in the church. Tall with thick black hair, dark eyes like Rafael. And a grimly determined look on his face. Aneesa could feel Sebastian's urge to turn and walk away and she silently willed him to stay. He did.
But as the two tall men squared up to each other the lengthening silence became unbearable. Aneesa might have been invisible for all the attention either man gave her, and then abruptly Sebastian issued a tortured sounding, ‘I can't do this.' And letting Aneesa go, he strode away and out of the reception room.
Jacob's black eyes followed his brother and Aneesa could see the sorrow in them. She tentatively touched his sleeve and he looked down at her, finally focusing on her. Apologising, he introduced himself. ‘I knew it wouldn't be easy for Sebastian after all this time, but I'd hoped …'
Aneesa felt awkward. ‘I don't know exactly what happened between you but I'm sure it'll work out.'
Jacob smiled but it didn't reach his eyes. ‘I hope so, but the truth is that I was the one person who Sebastian turned to after his mother was sent away, and after our father died, he was always the intensely quiet foil to Nathaniel's extrovert showmanship. They each found their own way of coping after their mother had to be committed …' He trailed off and then said, ‘After I left … I knew that he might take it the hardest.
But I had no choice.'
For a second Aneesa thought she had a flash of insight into Sebastian's psyche when she sensed that Jacob had felt unable to contain his own rage and emotions, and had left for that reason, to protect his own family. Did Sebastian share that fear? ‘I'm sure you had your reasons …' Aneesa stopped then, feeling utterly useless. Sebastian hadn't been exaggerating when he'd warned her of their dark past. ‘I … I should really go
to him.'
Jacob caught her arm lightly as she turned to go. She looked back.
‘I'm glad he has you, Aneesa.'
She just smiled but it felt brittle. She didn't think it the best time to get into the dynamics of her non-relationship with Sebastian. It looked like his brothers and sister had enough on their hands. But never more than now did she feel a sense of futility wash over her.
She went to the reception desk and got the key to their room, where their luggage had already been deposited. As the private lift whisked Aneesa silently upwards, she smiled politely at the slightly awed elevator attendant, who showed her to the door of the suite and opened it for her.
She slipped inside, heart thumping painfully. She walked through the rooms until she saw him, standing with his back to her, one arm above his head resting on the window which looked out over London's skyline. The other hand in his pocket, and his whole frame so rigid, her heart ached.
He didn't turn around. ‘Not now, Aneesa, please. Just … leave me alone.'
The raw pain in his voice meant she had no choice. And she knew in that moment with a fatal inevitability that she loved him. She walked over to him and wrapped her arms around his waist, resting her cheek against his back, pressing close against him.
At first he stiffened and he brought his hand out of his pocket to cover hers as if to take her hands away, but then she felt a shudder run through his powerful frame and instead of extricating himself he laced his fingers tightly through hers and held her hands in place.
She could have wept for him and her throat ached at the turmoil she felt in his body. She knew he was crying but she guessed it wasn't with tears, she imagined it was like a kind of deep ache that went beyond tears, welling up from inside him. She could feel it like a physical sensation resonating within her. She didn't know how long they stood
there like that with her arms tight around him, her body pressed against his, her bump pressing solidly into his buttocks, but at some stage Sebastian started talking, in such a low voice that Aneesa had to strain to hear.
He told her everything—about how utterly mesmerising his mother had been, but too fragile to be a real mother, and then how she'd disappeared into full-time care, which had been terrifying to a six-year-old. The constant crying and fighting between his parents before his mother had disappeared, and about his violent father and the highs and lows of his mercurial moods. How he would drunkenly wake them all up and initiate a magical ghost hunt in the woods surrounding the house on a midsummer night's eve which would then morph into a nightmare of gigantic proportions because one of the boys would have innocently provoked him into an uncontrollable rage.
He spoke about the fierce solidarity between his
siblings who'd always looked out for one another, despite the fact that they weren't all full siblings. And about how, despite that solidarity, he'd never really felt a part of it, somehow always on the fringes, observing the action. He told her dispassionately about how his father had brutally whipped his sister, and about Jacob being the one constant who had never let him get too insular … until the day he'd left for good.
The setting evening sun was streaking the sky outside with dusky pink ribbons when Sebastian finally turned around in Aneesa's arms. He looked down at her and she stifled a breath. He looked haggard, his eyes bruised.
‘Why are you here? Why are you listening to this?' She gave a small shrug, her eyes never leaving his.
‘Because you needed to tell someone. Because you're the father of my child, and because …' Her heart tripped for a second.
She was half terrified she'd reveal just how much she cared about him. ‘Because you were there for me when I needed someone …'
He quirked a small smile and relief flooded her belly. ‘Yes, but instead of providing silent counsel and sending
you on your way I threw you onto the nearest bed and made love to you within an inch of our lives.'
Aneesa took his hand from around her waist and pressed a kiss to his palm before saying, ‘And I'm glad you did.'
He shook his head then, his face sobering up. ‘I can't go back down there. I can't see him. I wanted to kill him. I've never felt such rage before.'
No, thought Aneesa, because you've channelled it into physical things like burning your body out.
He extricated himself from Aneesa's arms and walked over to the drinks cabinet where he poured himself a drink.
Gently Aneesa pointed out, ‘It's not just Jacob who is down there, it's Nathaniel and his new wife. And your other brothers, and sister. They all looked so happy to see you.'
He threw back the drink. She saw his fingers clench so tightly around the glass his knuckles shone white. ‘Yes, but it's him. I won't give him the absolution he obviously wants, it's too late. He can't just arrive back into our lives like this.'
Aneesa walked over and turned him around to face her. ‘So what? You're just going to avoid seeing him ever again?
That's not exactly the adult response, is it?'
Before he could launch into an attack she said with soft determination, ‘I know he hurt you, and badly, but no one is perfect, least of all us. Look at the car wreckage my life has been for the past few months. I've caused untold shame and misery to my family but despite that they still love me, and I know how lucky I am to have that. For a long time I was seduced by a much more shallow world, and I wasn't a particularly nice person. I took my family completely for granted, and yet when things fell apart they were still there for me.'
She pressed on. ‘What you and your family went through was horrific, no one could dispute that, and from what you've told me, frankly I'm surprised that Jacob didn't leave a lot sooner. He obviously felt a huge sense of responsibility to you all.'
Sebastian issued a curt laugh. ‘So huge that he left his
vulnerable teenage sister still nursing the wounds of her attack from our father, and his younger brothers to the mercy of boarding schools and housekeepers for care?'
Aneesa said wryly, ‘You turned out OK for all that second-rate care.' Then she bit her lip. ‘Look, all I know is that my family had more than enough grounds to throw me out on the street and disown me after what I did to them. But they didn't. It's so much easier to see things in black and white and it sounds to me as if that's what your father did a lot of the time, fuelled by his drinking and rage.
‘Can you not try and see things from Jacob's point of view?' Aneesa asked. ‘Maybe he was scared he would become like your father, and cause more pain and harm? Perhaps he felt that that was his only option—to leave you all behind. Who knows what the guilt of killing a parent would do to someone even if it had been accidental?'
Sebastian felt as if Aneesa was flaying him alive with her words. She was coming far too close to his own inarticulate fears that he, too, might have carried his father's twisted moods and personality. The rage he'd felt just now when faced with Jacob had scared him with its intensity. He lashed out, sneering, ‘You didn't mention the psychology degree you did in your spare time between Bollywood blockbusters.'
And the instant the words were out he wanted to swallow them back. He saw Aneesa's face pale and her chin come up. She said with the utmost dignity, ‘I'm going to ignore that comment and give you the benefit of the doubt. And I'm going to go back downstairs to join your family and get to know them a little more. If you feel like you can stop wallowing in your childhood hurt and join the present, then you'll know where to find me.'
And on stiff legs she walked out, the door shutting with incongruous quiet behind her.
