With other guys I’m anxious, afraid of what they’ll do next. I don’t trust them. My muscles tense up at their touch as I prepare to fight them away if things go too far. But I feel safe with Dominic, completely at ease as his strong arms hold me up and the cool water streams around us.
Men are liars, Jessica. They tell you what you want to hear. They get what they want and then they leave.
My mother’s voice enters my head like a lightning bolt, jarring me out of my blissful state. I try to ignore it, pleading for it to go away. Let me have this, I said back to the voice. Let me have something I can feel. Something that’s all mine. Something that’s not ruined by you. I’m not you, Mom. I’ll never be you.

I notice my legs have loosened around Dominic’s waist, and I’m falling deeper into the water. His hands move under my thighs and he hoists me up. Warmth floods my core and I arch back as he kisses my chest. I tighten my legs around him and felt his hand slide up behind my neck again, bringing me back to his lips. His other hand slips under my butt, holding me up but also lingering as if questioning whether it has permission to venture under the fabric of my suit. My mother’s voice shouts within my head again.
You’ll end up like me, Jessica. It only takes one man. One time. And your whole life is over. I can almost smell the liquor as the words echo in my mind.
I’m not you, I shouted back to the voice. No matter what happens, I’ll never be you! Shit! Why is she doing this to me? Why now? Everything in this moment feels so right and so perfect. I don’t want it to stop. Why can’t I have this? Why does she take all the good things away from me? Anger shoots through me like a canon. It erupts from within and I lose all control of it.
I shoved Dominic away and kicked at him with my legs. He lets go, a look of complete shock and horror at my bizarre behavior. “Jessica? What is it? What did I do?” I feel guilty when he says it.
He thinks he did something wrong. But he didn’t do anything wrong. In fact, what he did was exactly what I wanted him to do, even though I had no idea that was what I wanted until just a few minutes ago. I had no idea I could feel that connected with someone. That safe with someone. But she ruined it. She made me feel like it was wrong. Like it will only lead to the path she ended up on. Drunk and alone and dead before the age of 40.
I swim to the edge of the pool. “I have to go.”

My voice is shaky, and I shiver from the cold air. I push up hard with my arms, balancing my stomach on the lip of the pool, then swing one leg up and use it to help get the rest of me out of the water. I’m sure I look like a complete idiot trying to climb out of the pool that way, but I’m too far away from the nearest ladder.
“Wait! I don’t understand.” Dominic meets me at the edge of the pool. He lifts himself out with practically no effort at all.
“Jessica, wait!” He catches my hand as I try to walk away. “I’m sorry. I thought you were telling me it was okay. I guess I misread the whole thing.”
I turned my back to him, my hand stuck in his tight grip. Tears are running down my face, but there’s no way in hell I’m letting him see them. I’m so mad at myself I could scream. But I don’t. Instead, I stood there, just trying to breathe.

“Jessica, you should’ve said something. I would’ve stopped. I won’t do it again, okay?” His words only made the tears come harder. I don’t want him to not do it again. I want him to do what he just did over and over again. I want those feelings, those emotions, the desire—all of it—again.
But she won’t let me have it.